Forty Five
by n0b0dys-ang31
Summary: SONGFIC set to 45, song by Shinedown. Set four years out of Hogwarts, rated R for character death and suicide


A/N: Yet another plot bunny was running around my head, this time coming from listening to the song "45" from Shinedown. I may or may not have released my story, The Lesser of Two Evils. It follows the same basic storyline, which is Harry learns something about himself and his family. However, while TLOTE takes place between 6th and 7th year, this one takes place several years later, during the final battle between Voldemort and the Order. Harry has completed Auror school something not specifically mentioned. This is a one shot, and hopefully complete. If you don't like the ending, oh well. It depresses me as well.  
  
  
  
Forty- five  
  
**Send away for a perfect gift, one not subtle, one not on the list.....  
**  
Harry dodged yet another Killing curse, making his way to the center of the Battle and Voldemort. He hastily sent off an Avada Kedavra of his own, dropping yet another faceless, nameless Death Eater. _Got another one!_ he thought, darkly triumphant. Grimly, he sent off stunners after stunners, dropping werewolves and vampires left and right, freeing up his fellow Aurors.  
  
"GO! McKinley and Hernandez, take your divisions and go left! Hinckley and Birch, take your divisions and go right! The rest, take the center! Move, people!" the lead Auror, Mad Eye Moody, snapped, directing the troops. He nodded to Harry, simply pointing the way to Voldemort. "Good luck, kid," the grizzled war veteran snapped gruffly, patting him on the shoulder before being lost in the melee of curses. The Boy Who Lived nodded and took off on his own, aware of only his goal.  
  
Harry took off for Voldemort, once again shooting curses left and right and dodging even more. He snapped the neck of an attacking vampire without a second thought and kept moving, searching for the Dark Lord and his destiny.  
  
** Send away for a perfect world, one not simply so absurd......  
  
** _Do this for freedom,_ Harry chanted over and over in his head. _You are killing so others may live in freedom. You are the Boy Who Lived. You are the only one who can stop this madness. Keep moving, Harry! _He narrowly missed being crushed by a troll, and instead knocked him unconscious with a well placed Wingardium Leviosa to the Troll's club, hitting the bumbling oaf with the flying weapon. _Just like first year,_ he thought grimly, leaping over the unconscious form. Don't question, just do it, had been drilled into his head throughout Auror training, until it became his mantra. _Just keep moving._ He strode closer and closer to his destination, his lengthy stride eating at the half mile between himself and his prey.  
  
He stumbled as a stunning curse half caught him, and he whirled, falling, shooting off yet another killing curse. It sped towards and hit his adversary, killing yet another Death Eater. _Another death,_ he thought, still triumphant, yet slightly guilty. _Don't wonder about the Death Eater, don't you dare humanize them. You'll never be able to continue if you think of the children who'll be without parents after today._ His resolve started to crumble and he hastily started to move again, running now towards Voldemort and Dumbledore. Gotta get there, he huffed, cursing as many Death Eaters, Werewolves, Vampires, Trolls and Giants as possible, ducking and dodging curses flying his way. He passed Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Luna and Ginny, all doing battle with various opponents. He helped where he could, but had to leave them to fight their own battles, trusting that they would be all right. _Keep moving. don't question, just do it,_ he chanted over and over.  
  
** In these times of doing what you're told, you keep these feelings no one knows........  
**  
_Are we really doing this for the right reasons?_ he asked himself as he ran. _Of course,_ he answered himself right away without a moment's hesitation. _This is right, this is the good side_. He killed yet another Death Eater and felt someone sneaking up on him. He whirled and struck with a well aimed fist, sending the Death Eater behind him flying. "Avada-" The robes were knocked off, revealing a middle aged woman with sparkling red hair and emerald green eyes.  
  
Harry gaped and stopped talking, emerald meeting emerald._ She looks like, no it can't be._ "Mum?" he croaked softly, staring at her, a single tear running down his face. "Mum?"  
  
The woman stared at him coldly. "Who are you?" she demanded regally.  
  
Heedless of the danger, Harry lowered the hood of his Auror's cloak, his own ebony hair glinting blue in the harsh sunlight. Emerald met emerald and she walked forward hesitantly to caress his cheek.  
  
"You have my eyes," they said at the same time, Suddenly, they threw each other to the ground, dodging curses sent their way. "Are you all right?" they asked again, simultaneously.  
  
Harry stroked her cheek. "I feel like I should know you," he muttered softly.  
  
"You must be my Damien, you have to be him. You've come back to me," she responded. A shadow loomed over them, as a grimacing Severus Snape towered over the both of them.  
  
"Lily, are you all right?" he asked, concerned. "Did this scum hurt you?"  
  
"He's not scum, Love. It's Damien. He's come back to us." Harry stared at the two of them, his jaw brushing the ground.  
  
"Who- Professor? Why do you keep calling me Damien?" Harry finally sputtered.  
  
"I'm not your professor, boy," Severus barked gruffly, helping Lily to her feet.  
  
"But- but- Professor Severus Snape works as Potions Professor at Hogwarts!" Harry sputtered.  
  
"Then he's an imposter. I'd never work for that asshole," Severus growled. "Who are you?"  
  
"Harry Potter," Harry replied numbly _What is going on? _he thought desperately. _She's Lily, and looks just like the pictures and she has my eyes what is going on???  
_  
Severus sneered. "Ah, yes, the Fool's Weapon. Lily, let's go."  
  
"Wait!" Harry cried desperately, feeling his world completely shatter. "Who am I? Who is Damien?"  
  
**What ever happened to the young man's heart, swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart.........  
**  
"If you really are our son, then you're Damien Alexander Snape. What day were you born?" Lily asked, staring at him.  
  
"There's no way, Lils. It's been twenty two years. He can't be our son. Dumbledore killed our boy."  
  
"July 31, 1981," Harry replied woodenly. Severus turned around and gaped at him. "It's not possible. He has the same birth date, and your eyes. Slytherin eyes, his grandfather's eyes." He strode over to Harry and angrily waved his wand. "Finite Incantium."  
  
Harry's facial bones rearranged themselves slightly, his cheekbones becoming more pronounced, his face an eerie mixture of the two people in front of him. Lily gaped and Severus's impassive face crumbled. "Oh my God," Harry muttered numbly after conjuring a mirror and seeing his reflection, his wand falling to the ground. Lily bent over and picked it back up, examining it.  
  
Time seemed to stop for Harry as he tried to process what was happening. _He lied. My life is a lie, _ran through his mind over and over, never ending. He sat down suddenly. _Everything is a lie. My friends, my family, the blood protection. It's all SHIT!!!  
_  
"Damien?" Lily asked quietly, handing him back his wand. Harry took it and jumped up, his face white.  
  
"HE LIED!!!!!!" Harry screamed suddenly, his wand splintering in his hand, the core absorbing into his fingers. Severus and Lily watched, astounded, as his fingers glowed green for a minute. "THE BASTARD LIED TO ME!!!!!!! MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE!!!!" He sprinted the last few hundred yards , a shield flaring whenever a curse was flung his way. He finally was within sight of his targets. Voldemort and Dumbledore circled each other, surrounded by the battle between the Order and the Death Eaters. Harry, gaining his second wind, sprinted right into the center of them, shoving Voldemort out of the way. He reached back and slammed Dumbledore across the jaw with all his might. Dumbledore flew, landing several yards away.  
  
"Har- Harry?" Dumbledore asked groggily. Harry grabbed the ancient leader or the Order of the Phoenix by the bloody, wrinkled front of his robes.  
  
"You lied to me," Harry stated, deceptively calm.  
  
"What?" Dumbledore asked, paling. "I have not!"  
  
"Who are my parents, and who are they?" Harry demanded. Voldemort stared at the two of them, confused.  
  
Dumbledore started to protest, then looked over Harry's shoulder, his already ashen face turning a sickly yellow. "Harry, my boy, I can explain," he gasped as Harry's fingers dug into his neck.  
  
**And I'm staring down the barrel of a forty five, swimming through the ashes of another life.......  
**  
Harry's eyes filled with tears as his worst fears were confirmed. "It was all a lie. My entire life was a lie, old man! You let me believe I was Lily and James Potter's son, when I'm Lily and Severus Snape's son!!!!" he sobbed, his face twisted into a grimace of pain and fury. Tears streamed from his eyes.  
  
Voldemort simply stood to the side, shocked. "You let me battle and try to kill my GRANDSON????" he screamed, snarling. Harry turned around, reeling.  
  
"You're- you're my GRANDFATHER?????????" Harry shrieked, his eyes wide and his entire body trembling.  
  
"Explain yourself!" Harry barked at Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore's face turned steely. "You have to do what's best for your world, no matter how distasteful the actions sometimes."  
  
"I aimed a Killing Curse AT MY MOTHER!!!!!!!" Harry screamed desperately.  
  
Dumbledore stared at him stonily. "Then why isn't the snake's spawn dead??" he hissed.  
  
Harry stared at Voldemort numbly. "You were right," he mumbled, dropping the Headmaster to the ground. "There is no right or wrong, there is only power. Avada Kedavra." The sickly green light sped towards Dumbledore.  
  
A second later, Dumbledore was just a crumpled shell on the ground. A black blur sped towards Harry, knocking him to the ground. Severus Snape, the Hogwarts Professor, punched him repeatedly. Harry finally got a hand up and managed to flip the older man over.  
  
"Who are you?" rasped Harry, staring at him strangely.  
  
"You stupid child, you know who I am! I'm Severus Snape, your Potions Professor!"  
  
A hand on Harry's shoulder pulled the younger man off of the Potions Professor and the two Severus Snapes stared at each other mutely. "Now," the true Severus asked the imposter, "who are you?"  
  
"Don't you wish-" he was cut off by a sparkling glow that shot from Harry's fingers, enveloping him. The glow faded and an older, worn James Potter sat on the ground before them.  
  
"You!" Harry gasped. "Why? Why did you take me?"  
  
"You were the child that should have been mine!" James spat, gesturing wildly at Lily and Severus. "SHE should have been mine!!! Snape stole her from me so I stole what should have belonged to me in the first place!!"  
  
Harry just gaped at him numbly. Voldemort stepped in and quickly ended it with a murmured Avada Kedavra. "I thought I killed him two decades ago," The Dark Lord mused.  
  
**No real reason to accept the way things have changed, staring down the barrel of a forty five......  
**  
Harry backed up, his eyes wide. "No- no, I can't- NOOOO!!!!" he screamed, his face pasty. Lily and Severus stared at him. _It's all a- I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ Harry stood there, his eyes blank, before running away, sprinting without knowing where he was going, trying to outrun the agony and confusion and the anger.  
  
Twenty minutes later, he stood on the outskirts of the battle without remembering how he got there. _I can't do this anymore. It's all pointless. My whole life is a lie. I'm a lie.  
_  
Harry stared at his hands. _I've killed so many. So many people. I ended their lives when I don't even have a life of my own. I'm worthless. The Dursleys were right. I'm a worthless, pathetic freak._ He placed a finger against his temple, the tip glowing a sickly green.  
  
"Harry! NO!" A familiar voice screamed. Harry looked up to see Draco Malfoy, Death Eater Robes askew and bloody, streaming behind him as he sprinted towards him, Lily, Severus and Voldemort in tow. "DON'T!!!"  
  
_Too late._ "Avada Kedavra," Harry chanted numbly, feeling something knock into him, throwing him to the ground a second too late.  
  
Blackness.  
  
  
  
** Send a message to the unborn child, keep your eyes open, for a while......  
**  
A steady murmur of voices gradually woke Harry. Groaning, he opened his eyes, the world out of focus and dark. _Where? _"Where am I?" he croaked, his throat parched.  
  
A hand pressed a glass into his hands and he sniffed the contents warily. _Water._ Satisfied, he drank slowly, his eyes wary and cold. "I take it I'm alive, then?" he asked wryly.  
  
"Yes, although how you have survived the Killing Curse twice in your life is beyond me, even once being self inflicted," a soft male voice answered.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked suspiciously. "Why are you helping me?"  
  
A soft light sprang around him and he blinked, the world slowly returning to focus. Draco Malfoy sat next to his bed, a book in his lap. "I'm helping you because I want to," he replied simply, watching him.  
  
"How long have I been out?" Harry asked softly.  
  
"Almost three weeks. Your mother, father, and grandfather have terrorized the doctors, demanding that you receive the best possible care, though there's not much they were able to do." Draco stared at him intently. "How do you feel?"  
  
"I wish I had never woken up," Harry admitted quietly.  
  
"Why?" Draco asked, not accusingly, just curious.  
  
"Everything I have known, everything I have done, has been a lie. I'm not Harry Potter. I'm not Gryffindor's Golden Boy. I KILLED Albus Dumbledore! Everything is a lie!" he snapped, tears of frustration bubbling to the surface and spilling over. He sobbed and yelled for almost ten minutes, helplessly pounding his pillow in frustration.  
  
Draco sat quietly, allowing Harry to cry and rant and rave. When he had at last quieted down, Draco asked quietly, "do you feel any better?"  
  
"No! I feel worse!" Harry half yelled, tears still falling freely down his face. "How do you think you'd feel if, tomorrow, you found out that you were a muggleborn stolen from your parents and raised as a Malfoy, and abused, and starved, and made to feel worthless, all the while being molded into a perfect weapon to destroy your true family?"  
  
Draco raised his eyebrows. "I'd kill myself," he said quietly. "I'd kill Lucius and Narcissa as well for being hypocritical, and then end my own life for living such a horrendous lie."  
  
"You see?" Harry asked desperately. "I don't want to deal with this!!!!"  
  
** In a box, high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else, there's a piece of a puzzle known as life wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight........  
**  
Draco sighed. "Here," he said, thrusting a box at Harry. "Look inside. I think it'll help you sort out what you're feeling. And, please, remember, that there are people who care for you. Your friend Hermione faced Voldemort earlier this week, demanding to see you. She actually made him back down and let her visit. She should be here any moment."  
  
Harry sighed as Draco walked from the room and opened the mahogany chest. Inside, in the lid, was a gilt birth certificate for a Damien Alexander Snape, complete with a footprint, blood type which matched his own, the rare AB-, and birth date. In the chest were baby clothes, shoes, toys and a blanket. Harry brought the blanket to his face, inhaling. A familiar scent reached his nostrils and tears once again leaked from his eyes, this time of sorrow.  
  
The sound of someone clearing their throat knocked Harry from his revere. He looked up. Ron and Hermione stood in the doorway, Draco ushering them inside. Once they were seated by Harry's bed, Draco left without a backwards glance.  
  
"Hi, Harry," Hermione said sadly, a single tear dripping down her face.  
  
"Hey, mate, why'd you do it?" Ron asked, never one for subtly. Hermione elbowed him sharply.  
  
"No, it's all right. Here," he said, scooting over and patting the bed next to him. "Come on up, there's things I have to show you." Hermione and Ron jumped up next to him, exploring the contents of the box.  
  
"Harry, is that your real name?" Hermione asked, studying the birth certificate shrewdly.  
  
"Yes. Everything, my name, my parents, who my family is- it's all been a bloody lie!" Harry yelled, once again starting to cry helplessly.  
  
** Whatever happened to the young man's heart, swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart........  
**  
Hermione could only rub his back as he continued to rant. "They kept telling me how much I looked like James, and how proud he would have been of me! Professor Snape- the one we knew!- He was James Potter, under a Glamour!!! He HATED me!!!! He said, before Voldemort killed him, that Snape stole my mum from him and his stealing me was simply his taking what should have belonged to him in the first place!" Harry broke down sobbing quietly, his breath coming in harsh gasps. "Everything has been a lie, I was abused by the Dursleys just so Dumbledore could mold me into the perfect weapon! Everything that has happened to me happened so I would kill my family and I KILLED DUMBLEDORE!!!!" his voice broke.  
  
"I just don't want to do this any more. Everything is a lie, and I don't want to live a lie, but I don't know if I can take living the truth," he murmured into Hermione's shoulder. All she could do was hold him tightly, wishing she could take the pain form him. Ron held him as well, praying for the strength to help his best friend.  
  
** And I'm staring down the barrel of a forty- five, swimming through the ashes of another life, no real reason to accept the way, things have changed, staring down the barrel of a forty-five................  
**  
Three hours later, Hermione and Ron left, promising to come back the next day. Harry watched them leave, his mind already returning to the numbness he had felt minutes before trying to kill himself._ I know they would miss me but I can't live like this. I can't live the lie and I can never go back to who I should have been,_ he thought despondently, twisting the blanket into a crumpled heap. The nurses walked into the room, checking up on him, taking vitals, and left, returning with a dinner tray. Harry pushed the food around, unable to stomach even the thought of eating. Movement at the door had him reaching for a wand that no longer exists. _That's right, I absorbed the core,_ he thought numbly, instead raising a hand, fingers splayed.  
  
Lily, Severus, Voldemort and two other, younger people, my family, the thought strangely came to him, a foreign, bitter thought, stood in the doorway, peering in at him. "May we come in?" Severus Snape asked politely.  
  
Harry nodded, his face pale. The group slowly filed in and took seats around his bed. Harry stared at the two new people, a boy and a girl. The girl looked to be only a few years younger than he was, and the boy a few years younger than her. "Damien," Lily began softly, "these are your brother and sister, Marcus and Angela."  
  
"Hello," Harry said numbly, his body on autopilot.  
  
The two of them just stared at him, trying to think of something to say. Finally, Angela spoke up. "Which to you prefer to go by? Harry or Damien?"  
  
Harry grimaced. "That's a good question. Harry Potter never existed, but I'm not Damien Alexander Snape. I don't know. Call me whatever's comfortable for you." _It's not like I'm going to be here much longer anyway,_ he thought wistfully.  
  
"That's not true," Lily said stoutly. "You can be Damien Alexander Snape if you want to."  
  
"Mum, what he's trying to say is that he has no idea HOW to be related to Grandfather, or you, or any of us," Marcus said abruptly. "He's been told all his life that he's someone else, someone who is destined to kill all of us."  
  
_Point to the smart one!_ Harry thought with a wry smile._ That kid's perceptive!_ He felt a small bit of happiness that was quickly replaced by blessed numbness again.  
  
Harry made pleasantries for several more minutes before pleading exhaustion. They took the hint and left soon after, promising to return the next day.  
  
  
  
**Everyone's pointing their fingers, always condemning me and nobody knows what I believe, I believe.........  
**  
Early the next morning, Harry conjured clothing and Apparated out of St. Mungo's, leaving a short goodbye note for everyone in his wake. _I'm sorry, I've let everyone down, _he thought, staring at the front page of the Daily Prophet. The headline screamed, in bold letters 'HARRY POTTER REALLY VOLDEMORT'S GRANDSON!!!!!' The article below, by Rita Skeeter, blasted him up one end and down the other, blaming him for not killing the Dark Lord, and proclaiming that he knew all along and had been toying with the emotions and hopes of the entire Wizarding World. There were letters upon letters to the editor, calling for Harry to receive the Dementor's Kiss, be executed, or be handed to Muggle serial killers.  
  
He stared at the paper wearily and brushed a tear from the corner of his eye, thankful that there weren't too many people out and about that early. He didn't want to be recognized, not like this and not as Voldemort's Heir. Even the thought made him shudder. _I'm not like Voldemort,_ he vowed angrily. _I'm not!  
_  
He Apparated straight to Godric's Hollow and stood outside the house he just barely remembered, pushing his way past the twisted wrought iron fence and strode up the overgrown pathway to the ruins of what was once his house.  
  
** And I'm staring down the barrel of a forty-five, swimming through the ashes of another life...........  
**  
He picked his way through the rubble, coming across faded, sun spotted pictures and photographs. A glint of gold caught his eye and, curious, he reached over and picked up a locket, a little tarnished, from underneath a pile of ash and soot. He opened it, and tears started rolling down his cheeks. It contained pictures of his parents and him as a baby- Lily and James, not the real Lily and the real Severus, and they looked HAPPY, like they were in love and belonged together. He was on James's lap, but was playing with a lock of his mother's hair and he looked HAPPY.  
  
_What do I do?_ he asked himself._ Where do I go from here? Where CAN I go?_ he scuffed his boot against a fallen crossbeam._ Nowhere,_ his inner voice mocked him. _ You are nothing, you don't even have a name. Harry Potter doesn't exist, and Damien Alexander Snape died three days after he was born, thie minute he was abducted from his parents.You don't exist; you don't deserve to exist. _He continued piecing his way through the two decades of rubble, his face streaked with tears and dirt.  
  
Lily watched him form almost a hundred yards away as he sat down and cried openly, sobbing for the past that was a lie and the reality he never experienced. My poor baby boy, she thought, desperately wishing she could go comfort him but knowing she'd just make things much, much worse. _Damn, you, Dumbledore!!!_ she thought, tears falling freely down her face. _Why did you have to hurt us so badly?? You made my father the man he is today, and you ruined my son's life! I won't even MENTION the hurt and agony and pain you put me and Sev through with abducting our son.  
_  
Harry stared at the locket brokenly, his mind unable to accept what was happening to him. _I can't do this any more, _he thought, his will to live shattered beyond repair. I_ want this to end. It's never going to get any better and it will only get worse.  
  
_ He picked up a piece of wood, transfiguring it into a semiautomatic handgun, a 9mm._ I want this to end_, he thought, raising the barrel to his temple.  
  
Lily saw it and sprinted forward, knowing she'll be too late, far too late, but still she ran, hoping against hope she'll reach him in time. "DAMIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, running, trying to stop her son. Desperately, she Apparated.  
  
Harry turned and saw the blur of red. "Goodbye, mother," he whispered and pulled the trigger. _I'm free,_ he thought giddily and knew no more.  
  
** No real reason to accept the way, things have changed, staring down a barrel of a forty-five  
  
** Lily Riddle Snape appeared next to her son just in time to catch him as he fell, lifeless, to the ground.   
  
A/N: Don't even ASK where this depressing story came from. I don't like it, but HAHAHAHA, I made you read it!!!! Seriously, it's really depressing. It looks like I've released this story before The Lesser of Two Evils, so just know that Harry finds some of the same stuff out about his family, but much, much earlier. Anyway, review!  
  
Lyrics are by Shinedown, the song title being '45' 


End file.
